why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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