Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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