On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
