Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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