I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
