Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
