from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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