those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
