she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
