Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
