the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
