So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
