connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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