Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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