My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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