I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
