I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
