I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
