I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
