i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
