just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
