Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
