Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
