Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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