the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
