I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
