He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
