I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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