In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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