I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
