i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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