I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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