Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
