If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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