Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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