i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
