remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
