while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
