i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
