Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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