Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
