I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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