There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
