I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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