I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
