Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
