I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
