Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
