I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
