pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
