if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We are all done wearing pants today
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
