Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
